Make War

I think this post is best started with a little introduction about how my day has gone so far. I woke up this morning to the realization that my application story to a short fiction class I'm hoping to take was due at 4 PM and I still had nine pages to write, pounded out 3,000 words of possibly the most personal writing I've ever done (while still going to Econ lecture), dealt with a few theft and tenant issues at the house, went to a largely unhelpful co-op wide manager meeting, and had an unsolicited conversation with my ex-girlfriend. I, therefore, feel it rather appropriate to discuss a topic I've been dealing with recently. Yes, you guessed it, it's the practical application of rage.

Rule Number 8: Make war with all the things that keep you from the place you know you need to be

Frankly, there is nothing more emo than using a phrase from a Bright Eyes song in a rule-based blog post regarding the general makeup of relationships. However, I'm short on metaphors and the fact that I'm even writing this is more an indication of how much I don't want to end my day by reading Willa Cather than anything else. With that in mind, let's get down to the basics. It's absolutely impossible to eradicate rage, destructiveness, and general disdain from your life. This blog was initially a tool to curb my destructive tendencies into something positive, and in that sense it has done its job, but I do believe that a healthy dose of warranted rage can go a long way in everyday life.

Allow me to explain what I mean, via a cultural reference, of course. The most interesting band that I've grown to love this year is a group called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Frontman Alex Ebert formed the band based around the concept of a man (the pseudonymous Edward Sharpe) who was sent to Earth to save it from inevitable destruction. However, once he finally gets down to Earth, he gets sidetracked by all the things that we do (namely girls, drugs, and desert jam sessions). The debut album follows a linear narrative involving Edward Sharpe trying to fight his way out of the follies which we all encounter, but not through actual violence. Instead, this band is making war in an incredibly peaceful way that acknowledges the concept of love and death in our existence and seeks to use an understanding of both to exist successfully on Earth. The most powerful moment of their live show was when Ebert jumped into the audience, jumped around like a crazed baptist minister and repeated the refrain "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." Ultimately, he is a man who understands the fragility of life on Earth, and most importantly, understands that the constant threat of death doesn't have to scare us, but can actually serve as a revelation. We can fight against everything that keeps us from where we feel we should be both physically and emotionally, and it doesn't have to look like war as we've grown to understand it.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "that doesn't sound like rage." If so, you clearly don't understand my ability to take wholly dysfunctional ideas and turn them into beautiful blogo-gems. I would argue that the reason that Edward Sharpe works as a band is not because they live an entirely peaceful life. When it comes down to it, Ebert is a recovering drug addict from Laurel Canyon who has rounded up a group of people who seem to have similar stories. Ultimately, Edward Sharpe is more a band about making war against the things that have continually plagued these people than anything else. Now, I'm not advocating throwing on a loin cloth and dancing as the answer to everyone's problems. However, I think this provides a good contrast to the rage that I most often experience - the destructive, vindictive kind.

Flash back to my personal reality. Today (the first half of this blog was written yesterday) I went to San Francisco alone with the intention of spending some time at the Stanley Donwood exhibit, finding a restaurant to watch the Giants game at, and actually relaxing. While I was in the city, I climbed to the top of Buena Vista Park, the highest geographical point in SF. As I looked around this city that I loved, I felt that it would be a shame to be carrying a notebook and not actually write in it, so I wrote a little bit about the deficiencies that I see in myself that I've never fully been able to get over. It didn't seem self-deprecating or depressing, it was simply a list of all the things that I knew I needed to fight to get past in the future. What I've realized is that I can't actually avoid the fact that I am human...I will seek vindication and be flustered, stressed, and full of anger in many situations. As with any emotion though, it's not the actual feeling that matters, but how you direct it. Edward Sharpe didn't stick with me because they were a bunch of Laurel Canyon hippies. Living in Berkeley has given me a keen eye for a purely egotistical and self-righteous hippie lifestyle. What stuck with me was the fact that Ebert was more than willing to admit his flaws openly and candidly, and then get down in the muck and do something about them. Making war and being purposely abhorrent of the things that keep you from where you need to be is not a deviance from a peaceful lifestyle...in fact, its an absolute necessity in creating personal realization.

Ultimately, on a day to day basis I still do things out of vengeance and undirected, negative anger. This is something I should try to avoid in the future (although, in my defense, many of these things are uninvited and intentionally directed to incite my rage). Regardless, making war and getting angry about things shouldn't be frowned upon; really, it's the only reason things ever get done. I hate so many people, things, and situations that I've seen in my life, and moreover, I hate so many aspects about myself. My guess is that many of you feel the same way. So let's quit whining about it, dig in our heels, and do the fucking work. After all, we're all in this eternal quest to become better versions of ourselves together.