Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The 1st Annual Enrique Iglesias Awards

In an attempt to prolong my latest attempt to read Ivanhoe (please, hold the smirks), I've decided to flesh out an idea that I've long argued with many of you in person. As the pop culture nut that I am, one looming question that constantly comes up is "why the hell is this person still relevant?" Or on the other token, why did a certain part of popular culture just completely fall off the face of the Earth? And suddenly, in a flash of blinding light, the answer to all of my fruitless expostulation finally came to me in the form of the one and only Enrique Iglesias.

With his recent attachment to Jersey Shore, Enrique has risen to just as much pop music relevance as ever. Surely the juicehead in you has heard the frat jams "Tonight I'm Fucking You" and "I Like It." Hell, you've probably grabbed a friend and pulled him/her onto the dancefloor just to celebrate these fantastical creations of musical genius. But hold on a second, isn't this the same dude that sang that ultra-cheesy "I Can Be Your Hero" crap? Isn't this the same guy with the absurd mole and even more absurd fanatical Latin following? Isn't this guy thirty-five years old??.

All of the above is true, which make Enrique's vitality even more intriguing. What makes a star? And more importantly, what makes a talentless soap opera look-alike famous for over fifteen years?
Disclaimer: All Enrique facts are from Wikipedia. For ya know...research.

1. Find a few important niches
Enrique's first key to success came simply from the fact that he is Spanish, and the son of Julio Iglesias. But more importantly, he used that information to his advantage. His first record was full of Spanish ballads and telenovella tear-jerkers that vaulted him to the top of the Latin music charts. So what did he do? He waited for America to fall so sappily in love with Ricky Martin and the Backstreet Boys to make a record in English. He shrewdly placed himself on Will Smith's Wild Wild West soundtrack (and yes, in 1999 this was a wise move...hindsight's a bitch), and then hit the airwaves with "Bailamos" and "Hero." Before long, panties were dropping quicker than Enrique could schedule mole removal surgeries. Noticing that pop music of his caliber was falling out of sorts in America, though, he made another smart career move and went back to Spanish Pop. Finally, he's found a niche yet again in techno club-pop.

2. Look the part
If there's one thing Enrique always knew how to do, it was looking famous. When he was hitting the crest of his fame, he grabbed stunning arm candy in the most useless athlete ever to be famous, Anna Kournikova to add onto the simple fact that he had the look of a famous pop musician. Even that mole added a quirkiness to his character that kept people talking about how he looked, instead of how idiotic his music was (and still is). Seriously, this dude was a Latino Vincent Chase.

3. Take some quirky roles
While music was always Enrique's thang, he also managed to squeeze in a few key acting parts. He was edgy in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, hilarious as Gael in How I Met Your Mother, and allegedly present in a random Latin music off-Broadway play with Ricky Martin and Santana. Now that's how you keep a fanbase.

4. Do anything possible to stay in the limelight
Even if that means signing a Jersey Shore endorsement contract

And so without further ado, I present the 1st Annual Enrique Iglesias Awards for Cultural Relevance (or Lack Thereof)

First, the "Fall from Grace" winners:
Zach Braff - Being such a huge Scrubs and Garden State fan, it really does pain me to include him in this category, but the simple truth is that he deserves it. 2006 was really the last time that Zach Braff mattered. Scrubs started going downhill, The Last Kiss flopped, and really, his entire sense of style and humor disappeared. The indie kids lost out to the elegantly disheveled hipsters, and all of the Andrew Largeman sentimental softies fell with him. Come to think of it, that reminds me of another one of this year's winners...

The Shins - I'll be the first to admit that Wincing the Night Away was a great record...my favorite Shins album, actually. This award falls into James Mercer and Co.'s lap simply because the style has gone all but extinct. Much like Braff, the Shins were too soft, too simple, and too unsurprising. Mercer's look would shout "underwhelming" if anything about this band invoked shouting. Instead, their style of indie rock has disappeared along with the argyle sweaters that accompanied it. It's a shame, really, because the Shins are and always will be an awesome band. I just doubt they'll ever be as relevant as people thought they could be.

Dan Brown - Ah yes, the last guardian at the gates of mediocre pop literature hell has fallen from grace. We could see it coming as soon as Tom Hanks was cast as the main character for The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. Nothing about those movies included the sexy, edgy, intelligent story that people wanted to convince themselves Brown was writing. Instead, the films were long, miscast, and forgettable. They were watchable just as Brown's novels were readable. Get really excited for a few weeks, put it down, rinse, and forget.

John Mayer - Although I am a big fan of Continuum, it's less hard for me to throw Mayer in this category because frankly, he had it coming. The uncensored quotes about masturbation, the womanizing, the Twitter fascination. He had all the makings of a Kanye West type career. But instead of following all his crap with a fantastic record, Battle Studies was a colossal disappointment. He's even lost his throne as the social media king. And surely, making a pass at Taylor Swift can't have been good for his already decrepit image. But hey, that cover of "Free Fallin'" was nice while it lasted.

But now we've reached the more happy category. The Iglesias Best Career Revivals of recent years!

The Black Keys - I really don't know how they did it, especially since their formula has been essentially the same for their entire time as a band, but the Black Keys have broken into the mainstream. My best guess - people got sick of Kings of Leon and needed their boozed up rock from a different source. KOL always emulated the Black Keys, and now with "Tighten Up" and "Next Girl," America is getting a chance to see the original bloozy guitar rockers. And it's about time, if you ask me.

Eminem - Before we start this post, let's make it clear that I have very conflicted views towards Eminem. On one hand, he used to be a pretty damn good rapper, and his flow can sometimes compete among the best out there. On the other hand, he basically synthesized a genre of emo-rap that is not only excruciatingly melodramatic, but also damn hard to listen to for long periods of time. Either way, the last few years for Eminem have been revitalizing. He's scored a few hits with Rihanna, Lil Wayne, and probably now Dr. Dre (we'll see how the new single goes), and he's getting great reviews from Rolling Stone and a shitload of radio play. I still always wonder though...why's he so angry all the time? Oh well, maybe he can take a dip in his lake of money and ponder that question.

Jeff Bridges - Just when we thought the Dude had met his end, back comes Mr. Bridges. I remember not too long ago he was starring in a film about a gymnastics camp. He was the coach. Now he's won an Academy Award for Crazy Heart, is nominated for another in True Grit, and scored a major box office hit in Tron: Legacy. Whatever his motives may be, Bridges has seriously stepped up his acting game and garnered a legitimately great reputation in the film community. And to that, I say "Bravo!"

Aaaand finally...
Charlie Sheen
If all else fails in the Enrique Iglesias rules to maintaining relevance, Charlie Sheen has set an example of what to do to stay in the limelight. And so I will end this blog post with a few simple words from Sheen's latest work of sheer bravado.

"36-hour bender"
"Naked in restaurant bathroom"
"Multiple porn stars"
"Briefcase of cocaine"

I rest my case.

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