Spirals

I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "it's all in how you frame it." And I'm sure many of you have laughed that phrase off as something your grandfather would tell you to get you to stop whining about something. The essential connotation to the saying is that if you look a little bit harder, you might be able to find a silver lining. That things aren't as bad as you think they are. The question that I'd like to pose, is why are we looking for that silver lining? Why do things tend to seem much worse than they really are?

I started this blog as a way to deal with a breakup. To deal with pessimism. To deal with the fact that since my junior year of high school, I've defined myself based around who I was dating. I worked hard at school, I worked hard at my core friendships, and I worked hard at making time for whoever I was in love with at the time. And I missed a lot of major, major opportunities because of that. Simply put, these last six months have been the most important of my life, and my viewpoint of love has been framed completely differently than it used to be.

Last night I went up on the fire trail in Berkeley with 11 of my housemates and friends. We spent a few hours just wandering through the hills together, and eventually we ended up on top of the highest point in the Berkeley hills. I didn't really know where we were, but the place could be identified by two spirals built out of rocks in the hillside. I paused to catch my breath, and looked up to see the Bay and the Oakland hills right at sunset. Martin gave me his headphones with "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" playing, lit a joint, and we watched. Together, communally, me and 11 people who I likely wouldn't have spent much time with if I had a girlfriend. People that I knew weren't a major part of my life when I did have a girlfriend.

And so I come back to the phrase "it's all in how you frame it." I don't really believe that you're supposed to frame the world in a way that will help you find the silver lining. For years I've framed my world around the routine of getting work done efficiently, and receiving all my love from a select group of people (girlfriends and close friends). That love was the silver lining to my purpose-driven life, rather than the main point. This semester, I was terrified because my best friends are scattered across the world, I'm still single, and frankly, I didn't know where I was headed.

And then there was Palmdale.
And there were moments this semester of unbelievable presence with my housemates and friends.
And then there was yesterday.

I'm utterly convinced that a life framed solely around trying to receive love from one other person is a fruitless life. We have so many other things to fall deeply in love with as well. Whether it's music, God, film, art, math, physics, we have things that are unbelievably able to sustain our need for love. And I realized this because last night was the first single Saturday night for as long as I can remember that I wasn't trying to find my next girlfriend. I wasn't trying to find anything, because I already have all that I need. I just hadn't framed it to see it that way quite yet. Last night I was there to experience things with people that I trust. I wasn't trying to explain, I was simply understanding. The puzzle pieces that have been scattered between light alcoholism, manic depressive blogging style, and questions of self-worth culminated in one simple moment of knowing that I could walk around my house and my city and find people who would sit with me and simply be there.

That my friends is love. And that's how I'm choosing to frame my life right now. In reality, I'm probably ready to date somebody again. I've gone through the necessary steps of a breakup to be at that point again. The nice thing, though, is that I'm no longer pushing. I've got as much love as I need.